Alas, the surgery is over.

The time leading up to the surgery was something that is pretty difficult to put into words. I know that I keep saying that, but its the truth and I hope that people reading this can understand that my words have been limited with others because of this fact, among other things. It was important for me to take that time between diagnosis and surgery to do what I could to come to peace with the reality of what was happening to me and my body. I was as ready as I could have been on Monday. The feelings inside me directly before the surgery were relief and sadness.

The anesthesia given for a surgery like this is a powerful thing. I remember very little of my time directly pre-surgery and was not fully aware until about 8 hours post-surgery. The fight for consciousness and awareness when coming out of anesthesia is quite intense. It was definitely a very unpleasant experience that I'm crossing my fingers I won't have to repeat any time soon. I do recall having specific things I wanted to know and hear that I couldn't convey to others. Instead I think I would become so quickly exhausted that I would pass out or cry or get frustrated. I imagine it was pretty difficult for the people near me too. I remember feeling very emotional when I had any consciousness of my wound site. The tears flowed pretty freely as much about sadness and realization as about just a general relief. I remember being kissed by my mother and Mike. I remember too many faces near me that I didn't know. When I finally came completely to, it was about 11:30pm. I was in a nice room alone and my mother was there spending the night with me. I was able to eat some solid food, among the best was a whole fruit strawberry popsicle. Oh it was delicious. It was the first time I was able to really talk with my mom much about some of the things I was feeling. We layed in the dark and visited into the wee hours of the morning and it was really nice. I was glad that she was there.

What was supposed to be a 2 hour surgery turned into about 5 1/2 hours. My mother and Mike were there waiting for me and the soonest memory that I recall post surgery was of them by my side. Apparently the surgery went well, considering. The hope of not finding cancer positive lymph nodes did not come true however. In addition to the mastectomy, the surgeon also took out three lymph nodes for further testing. Its scary and unfortunate that there were positive nodes, but until everything is fully examined in the lab, there is still not much more to get worried about. The results should be back by the end of the week.

What I do know now that I didn't prior to the surgery, is that in addtion to chemotherapy I will also be undergoing radiation. I will also be getting a cat scan and bone scan next week to get further information about whether the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. The terrified feelings that I've had are needless to say, not lessening just yet. This is just a step by step process and I think that each day I simply need to be patient and present to the events and the feelings of the day. I remain hopeful, but realistic about how awful this all really is. The positive thoughts are still flowing, but I am finding how important it is for me to also be real with the pain that I am experiencing. There is a fine balance that I'm struggling to find each day.

The morning after the surgery I was able to rest in a lovely room, with a huge window, beautiful view of the mountains and the sun shining on me. Gorgeous flowers filled my room from friends and family and I even had a couple of soft stuffed animals that were actually incredibly comforting to hold. There was a little puppy that was a blonde version of my own little Henry. I also received a wonderful lavendar filled blanket/wrap from my doctor in Nome. It is just heavy enough that when wrapped around me I feel like I'm being held. The smell is soothing and healing too. It has been a huge comfort to have this past couple of days.

The bandanges came off today and a further reality of what has happened to my body set in, in a way that I could not have anticipated. The change in my appearance is immense and my feelings are very raw to say the least. My pain has been pretty well controlled by medication, but I am still pretty weak and woozy. I am up and moving around, but its slow and I'm needing a lot of breaks and rest right now. I was discharged this afternoon and am glad to be home (thank goodness Mike has given me a home away from home).

Thank you again for all of your emails, phone calls, letters, flowers, etc. I have everything I could need and am so appreciative. Please know that this message is personal and I'm writing to you because I do want you to be a part of what is happenng with me. The one to one communication is just a little overwhelming still. Keep believing in me as I am trying to do too. . . I will write more when there is more to tell.

Love, Sasha