This is real. . .

Saturday was a day that I would have preferred to skip. I was feeling particularly alone and defeated and spent the entire day in my room, in my bed. There was some physical discomfort during much of the day, but really, I was more held down by my emotional state. I did get out for a short walk with Duke and I did take a shower. I would like to say that I spent the down time reading or writing or doing something of some worth. But, I didn't. I felt alone, I felt fragile, I felt like I just didn't have the energy to muster a conversation with another, to smile, to eat, to do anything. I couldn't sleep either so I just layed there all day. I felt like I was covered with a heavy blanket and had no way of lifting it off me. I cried a lot and I felt afraid that this was what my days were destined to be. I still feel so overwhelmed and so alone in many ways. I know that I'm not, but there is just so much that is such a personal process. As much as I accept that and am trying to embrace that, I also wish that someone could just really understand. Its so hard to explain. I guess I'm telling you this because it is real. This is part of the experience. If I'm willing to share this experience, I have to be willing to share even some of the difficult times. Please don't feel sorry for me. I have actually been feeling like I don't really represent an accurate picture of things on this blog. I don't want to mislead people or appear to be something that I'm not and I wonder sometimes if I am. Naturally though, I am not compelled to write when I feel down and instead come to share my thoughts when I'm having a good day. I also don't think anyone else should have to share in the miserable moments. But, this does sort of skew the genuine experience for all of us if I'm unwilling to share the rough stuff. In any case, after the long and sort of pitiful (as I reflect on it now) day I had on Saturday, all of these thoughts were certainly swirling.

Late last night a couple of friends came over and visited for a while. I initially wanted to close up and push them away, but I didn't and instead I was able to have a good visit, enjoy another room in my house for a moment, and generally feel a little better. I also got an email last night from a woman I only barely know here in Nome. Her name is Jennifer and we have only spent time together on a few occasions, but there was always a good connection between us. Despite the fact that we don't know eachother very well, she has been very caring and supportive through emails since she heard of my diagnosis. She recently wrote an email making reference to me being an inspiration. I wrote back thanking her, but stating that I am not any different than anyone else and that I'm just doing the best I can. So, I recieved an email back from her and it really hit me. Initially, it just felt really nice to have the kindness that she was extending. But then the words just stuck with me, I even dreamt about it. She wrote:

I have been thinking about your email asking me not to be decieved by your ability to see the little things in life...you said that you are just like everybody else but I have to tell you that you ARE NOT like everybody else...

I feel kinda compelled to write to you...
When I first met you, I was definitely moved by your energy. You have good energy all around you. You seem like a such a happy person (like my brother Norm said, right?) As I have grown older, I have realized that people "choose" to live that way. Its not because they have a better job, more money, or a great man/women in thier life.... This is how I feel about you and what you have written in your blogs. You are "choosing" to see the positive things that are still all around you. Not everyone does that. I firmly believe that the way we conciously decide we are gonna live our lives directly impacts the outcome...we choose. I admire you. Allow yourself to be admired and inspirational to others...

I'm proud to say that today was not another Saturday. I woke up and just knew that it was absolutely a new day and that yesterday's blanket was gone. Jennifer was right, I do "choose" for the positive path. I can make that choice everyday. Although I wish I could understand why days like yesterday happen, I don't really. What I do understand though is that I can move forward. I don't have to get stuck there. Jennifer's words really did help I just thank her for being willing to share those thoughts with me just when I needed it.

I've been looking a lot at cancer support sites on the internet. I'm less interested in studies and statistics and more compelled to read other people's stories, thoughts, and experiences with cancer. I've found www.breastcancer.org to have pretty good discussion boards that I can relate to, at least a little. On that site, I came across this short video clip that really articulates the attitude that I have in some ways already, and am trying for in other ways. I imagine that I will look at it again through this process as another small reminder of some of the ways I'm seeking to survive and thrive. I thought it might be something that some of you may also like to watch. If you do watch it I hope that you will really feel the message, as I did, and think of me with these sort of hopes rather than sadness. Maybe you even know someone else that could benefit from seeing this. If so, I hope you'll pass it on. It takes a little while to load, but I think its worth it. Let me know what you think. Go to The Survivor Movie.

Nome sunset/sunrise, (remember its a simultaneous thing for us Nomeites) Friday night about 2am. Isn't it something?!


My love to you. . . goodnight.