What did I do to deserve this?

The acts of love and kindness that I have been showered with the past couple of months are so incredible and sometimes I just can't help but wonder what I ever did to deserve so much goodness in my life. I really am so loved and everytime I turn around another amazing gesture is coming my way. My girlfriend Kirsten does my dishes everytime she comes to my house. My friend Buford is there in an instant to lift things, move things, reach things, whatever I need and am not able to do on my own. Erik calls me and emails everyday to tell me I'm loved and am in his thoughts. My friend Mike is everything and more. Romy never lets a moment go by in which I don't know she's thinking of me and is there for me. Millie comes to visit, but adds a foot and back massage to the time we spend together. And my friend Alethea is so invested in my life and my happiness that she will give of herself in ways most others would never even think of. Its just unbelievable and I couldn't be more grateful.

Well, today, another extreme act of compassion came my way. On Saturday I started feeling my lower back tighten up (something that happens periodically since an injury in '02). By Sunday, it was definitely siezed up tight and I was having a hard time standing up straight or sitting for more than a couple of moments. The only position of relief is flat on my back. I notice that although the start of my back problems originated from an injury, the spasms return in conjunction with significant emotional stress. I believe that when I am unable to release my emotional stress adequately, it works itself out through my body in a not so comfortable process. Although I'm anxious about starting the chemotherapy tomorrow, I also have a lot of fear still and I think its just been mounting and had no place to go except my lower back. The pain has continued through today in full force, so this morning I decided to open up the phone book and find a chiropractor. Completely by chance, I ended up at a beautiful clinic with an excellent doctor. He did a thorough exam, took x-rays, put me on a traction table and gave me a great adjustment. He was aware of my breast cancer and did address it sensitively and professionally. My insurance doesn't cover chiropractic care, which he knew. When it came time for the bill (close to $400), he looked at me and said, "I think you are a very special person with a very special life to live. . . and I just think you deserve a break. . . this is the least I can do, but I hope it helps." He charged me just $70 for the 2+ hour visit. Can you believe that? I was teary, as was he, and when I left he gave me a hug. It was a real hug too. . . from a real doctor. That has never happened to me before and I must say it was a really great experience. We put so much trust into our healthcare providers and we are so open about our lives and our bodies, yet we are also very disconnected from them in so many basic ways. To be connected with them in a most human way, through a hug, was very moving. My body and my heart was much better when I left. I will see him another couple of times this week. I'm so grateful for the amazing people that are in my life.

I had scheduled a massage for today prior to any of these current back issues, and sadly, it wasn't the right timing. She was a good therapist and it did feel good at times, but it was a little too intense and when I left my back felt even worst than ever. You win some, you lose some I guess. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to my appointment with chiropractor tomorrow.

My first chemotherapy injection is tomorrow morning. Please think good thoughts. I know you will! I'll let you know how things go as soon as I can tell.


~~just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly~~