Chemo #2

I was scheduled for my second chemo dose in Nome on Wednesday. I went in about 10am and felt pretty ready and not too anxious. My nurse is a woman who has become a friend over the past few years. She is extremely positive and kind and I felt very comfortable with her. Unfortunately, she had some difficulty accessing my mediport. The cream used to numb the area was not on long enough so it was painful for me as well. We thought the needle was in the first time, but I could feel a burning sensation that wasn't right, so she tried again after a while. Before doing so though, she was able to get a blood sample to send to the lab. When she accessed the port again, she was in, but not as far as it needed to be. The pump kept beeping and the pre-medicine didn't seem to be flowing like it needed to. By the time the lab results came back I was nearly done with the pre-medicine drip. Unfortunately, the lab results were not in my favor. My white blood cells were too low for the chemo drugs to be administered. The process to this point had already been over 2 hours and then I was simply sent home. I was pretty loopy and tired from the pre-meds so my friend Millie drove me home. I went to bed and slept for over 5 hours.

When I woke up I was feeling pretty low. I was nervous about my upcoming trip to see my family and attend my friend's wedding. I jumped to the conclusion that my white count couldn't possibly go up in time for me to get the chemo with enough time to recoop and be ready for my trip next week. I felt very discouraged and definitely catastrophized the situation more than it needed to be. I guess because I've been feeling so good lately, I just wasn't prepared for something to not go just so. I had a good lesson in just how well I am, or rather am not, taking my life moment by moment. I've been prepared to not expect anything with each of these chemo cycles. My doctor told me from the beginning that each one has the chance to be very different from the last. I realize that I will have good and bad days and have prophesed that I am handling things as they come. Well, yesterday I didn't do so well. But, I did catch myself eventually. After a few hours and some emotional release, I let it go. I found a way to get myself back into the mindset that I needed. I knew that working myself up and thinking the worst wasn't going to help anything, so I stopped. . .

Visualization and meditation has been an important part of this process through cancer for me. I have read and heard from many others that success is greater for patients that use their mind to work right alongside with the chemo medicine. The visualization that many use has to do with picturing something eating up those cancer cells. Like a little pac-men going through your body and gobbling up all those nasty cells. My mom has helped me with other ideas too. Ultimately, what my method for fighting has been is lots of little fairies, almost like tinker bells. I didn't do very well picturing something fighting in my body. It seems that there is enough fighting happening in there already. So, for me, I needed something gentler and more peaceful. I imagine these fairies swirling through my body and vanishing the cells with their wands and fairy dust. I picture the cells disintegrating as that beautiful sparkly dust falls down on them. I also picture the fairies surrounding my ovaries, my heart, my lungs, my good cells, my other breast with a protective sheathing as to not be harmed the powerful chemo medicine. It may sound a bit over the top, but I think its helping me. It brings me peace and I can really imagine the process happening in my body. So, Wednesday evening and yesterday, I spent some time with this visualization. I imagined my white count rising up with the help of plenty of magic fairy dust. And it did.

When I went in for chemo late in the afternoon yesterday my blood work came back perfect and I was ready for the medicine. The nurse left the numbing cream on longer so I didn't have pain whe she accessed the port either. And, she used a longer needle which fit my port much better. Things went as smooth as they could have gone and 5 hours later I was leaving the hospital. That evening I was tired, but didn't feel too bad. Today, has been a little rough. I've had some nausea and have slept a lot. I am taking my medicine, but it doesn't seem to be a cure all. I'm just going to take it easy and try to restfully get through these next few days. I'm very hopeful that I will be back to feeling great very soon.

So, chemo #2 down, only 6 to go.