Clear Mammo

I had my pre-op mammogram on Wednesday and the results were good. All clear. This was such an amazing relief. Although I felt pretty confident that there wouldn't be any new cancer, there was still this sinking feeling as I went to the hospital and back into the radiology department where the real scare of cancer actually originated. Not only was I facing the horrible breast pancake moment again, but I was preparing myself for the possibility that the mammo results could spin me right back into square one again. But, (Big Sigh) it didn't. It felt really good to know that I could proceed with a proactive surgery and not another phase of "treatment."

As I lay here with only 8 or so hours left before my surgery I am at a loss for what this all means to me. In the midst of thinking about losing another breast (which still breaks my heart and scares me to no end), I am also thinking about jobs, moving, selling a house, buying a house, my pets, my family, my friends, my fat arse, and best of all, what I'm going to do when I grow up. Seriously. I can get all of these thoughts to rest sometimes and get myself to just be. But, other times, I'm flooded with all of it. I'm feeling horribly anxious, my stomach is in knots, I want to cry (and for a first, there are no tears), and there is nothing anyone can do about any of it. Just think some good thoughts if you remember to.

My mom will post a blog for me tomorrow with an update after surgery. I have such a fabulous surgeon and I'm sure all will be well.

Goodnight.