"pinked out!"

if you don't already know, i'm in florida to attend the 8th annual conference for young women affected by breast cancer. its co-sponsored by the young survival coalition, and living beyond breast cancer and is the only international event focused on the unique needs and issues faced by young women who are diagnosed with breast cancer.

friday morning before the conference started i was relaxing and knitting in the lobby. i noticed a number of other women passing through that were no doubt there for the conference. donned in a variety of pink garb and with a all sorts of clever, inspirational, and sometimes crass t-shirts. walking banners of awareness or something like that. some were bald and others with curly little fros just like me. and some with pretty long hair. all shapes and sizes. all colors. and a range of ages from what looked like late teens or very early twenties on up to well into their 50's. the target was for any woman who had been diagnosed at 40 or under. i watched and wondered about each of their stories.

another woman, like me, who was not so obviously there for the conference was sitting in the lobby too. her name is pam and she took a chance and reached out to inquire about whether i was there for the conference too. we quickly began to visit and it didn't take long for me to know that i liked her. within 5 minutes of our conversation starting we were interrupted by another woman who came over to us and said, "i couldn't help but over hear you and i just wanted to tell you that my niece had breast cancer too. . . " with an apolegetic look on her face she went on to say, ". . . she was diagnosed at 40 and she died, leaving two little children behind. . . "

the stories that people choose to share with you never fail to amaze me. no doubt this woman thought she was somehow connecting with us and had no ill intention. . . . but . . . . are you serious? are you really standing here telling us (two women she now knows have had breast cancer) about the grim details of your nieces death from breast cancer? wow. pam and i didn't need to discuss it, but we both shared the same feeling. tolerant of the unawareness, but baffled nonetheless. really, it just made us laugh and we both got it. we had lunch together and i for one, really enjoyed the company. we both talked about our own breast cancer stories a little, but easily enjoyed other conversation too. like my other friend pam (from nome, who now lives in arizona), this pam also has a great sense of humor. i appreciated the friendly and easy conversation and most of all having some laughs.

pam and i were both at this event for the first time and we each wondered what exactly we were going to get out of it. we shared the same perspective about being open to new information, but somewhat unsure about being in the midst of so much pink and all that entails. pam put it best when she said, "at the end of this weekend i'm either going to be enlightened or totally pinked out." i'm on the verge. one more day . . .

i'm not sure how i feel about my experience so far. i have heard some good information and i've certainly met many other women who are walking on both smoother and bumpier paths than i. i've been surprised at how many faces so much younger than i that are here. i've been even more surprised at the number of women i have met who started with a little old regular cancer just like mine that has now returned as metastatic disease. sadly, this is a reality that is not praticularly helpful to be surrounded by. its been a little conflicting to be around other women that i feel both compelled to support and empathize with and want to get away from so that i don't have to hear their sad story anymore. i know that sounds terrible, but its true. i've enjoyed a few brief conversations i've shared with other survivors and i've especially enjoyed the visits that pam and i have had. but, overall, i did not move too far from the lonely space i would so very much like to be away from. i said i didn't know what to expect from this event and that i was just here to see what it was all about, but the truth i have now realized is that i did expect and want something . . . to not feel so alone.

that aloneness is one of the most overwhelming feelings that has plagued me since my diagnosis (nearly 2 years ago). i sometimes feel bad that i feel so alone, because i know, logically, that i'm not. i have so many people in my life that are here for me in person, over the phone, and by email. i know that there are people i can turn to who will love me, support me, and try to understand me. but, no matter how true that is and has been through this whole ordeal, it doesn't change the fact that i still feel alone. i can't express how i really feel. i can't explain my thoughts, my fears, or my sadness. i have reached out to other breast cancer survivors in different settings and have yet to find someone who i can truly relate with. this has been a very difficult reality of the past 21 months. but, i have had moments. and my time with pam has been one of those moments. she helped remind me of something i lose sight of at times. . . that we all have such an individual story. there are similar strands that we share, but hoping or expecting to "truly relate" with another may just be unrealistic.

one of the reasons that i have felt so separated, even from other survivors, is that i have just never felt like i was really part of the club of breast cancer survivors. i still don't even completely connect with the reference to being a "survivor". and yet, i also no longer connect with my peers like i used to. i don't fit. at times, i have met others who have had breast cancer that have made statements like, "welcome to the club" or "welcome to the sisterhood". although i appreciate the sentiment and effort for camraderie, it has never felt real to me. it definitely seems that there is a large population of breast cancer survivors that identify completely with all things pink . . . its their new identity and their life. its a staple of who they are and there is no shortage of reasons to talk about the "journey" of surviving breast cancer. i don't want to be that. i' hope that i'm not. i hope that its not the first thing on people's minds when they think of me (yet i hope they still think of it a little - i know it doesn't make any sense). i don't know how to find that balance between being a young woman who has had breast cancer and just being a young woman. i still feel sometimes like i'm reeling from what seems like a totally unreal experience. i realize that i haven't found how to truly accept what i've been through and am going through. i want to forget, but i know that i never can. i want to be more than breast cancer, yet sometimes it feels like it overshadows all else. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain what cannot be explained. . .

anyway, pam also reminded me of something i have to remind myself of all the time . . . to just take it a piece at a time. to not get burdened by the enormity of all the choices, decisions, and possibilities of the future. remember to take it slow and just do one thing at a time. learning to be alone is difficult, but i'm doing it and i really do feel in my heart that it is just going to keep getting easier. fingers crossed.

goodnight.