Just some notes about today. . .

Not too sick throughout the day, but very, very tired. Took 3 naps. Back pain continues, but is getting better. I've seen the chiropractor 3 days in a row now and will go again tomorrow. He has refused to charge me past that initial $70. He says that he'd like me to just know how to receive freely when its given. I explained that although I appreciate his generosity, I understand that he has a business and has to make money too. . .that I know his time is valuable. He then tells me that his practice is very strong and that he is not hurting a bit by giving me this gift. He told me to let it go and work on healing my body. . . my back, my cancer and whatever else is meant to be healed at this time. Incredible. And to think that I found this doctor by opening up the phone book. We really are led right where we need to be sometimes. Off to bed. Nolan arrives in 2 days thanks to Alethea. I'll write more about that tomorrow.

Chemo #1

I'm happy to say that my lingering back pain was the worst part of the chemo yesterday. The process was tedious, almost 5 hours, but I did not feel too sick. I did have some slight wooziness, a headache, and a little nausea after I left, but none of it was too bad.
I did throw up once about an hour after I left. . . I was at REI and gratefully was only steps from the bathroom so it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Not a fun experience, but certainly not the worst it could be. I had a nice walk on the coastal trail yesterday with Mike and then was in bed, asleep by 10. Up at 5:30 this morning and feeling really good. Woo Hoo! See, all the positive energy flowing out for me IS making a difference (or maybe its the steroids they give prior to the chemo?). Thanks all! This was my first of 8 doses, and as Mike reminded me yesterday. . . 1 down, 7 to go. Last dose will be November 22nd. Its a beautiful, sunny day, so I'm off to enjoy it outside somewhere. Enjoy your day. . .

What did I do to deserve this?

The acts of love and kindness that I have been showered with the past couple of months are so incredible and sometimes I just can't help but wonder what I ever did to deserve so much goodness in my life. I really am so loved and everytime I turn around another amazing gesture is coming my way. My girlfriend Kirsten does my dishes everytime she comes to my house. My friend Buford is there in an instant to lift things, move things, reach things, whatever I need and am not able to do on my own. Erik calls me and emails everyday to tell me I'm loved and am in his thoughts. My friend Mike is everything and more. Romy never lets a moment go by in which I don't know she's thinking of me and is there for me. Millie comes to visit, but adds a foot and back massage to the time we spend together. And my friend Alethea is so invested in my life and my happiness that she will give of herself in ways most others would never even think of. Its just unbelievable and I couldn't be more grateful.

Well, today, another extreme act of compassion came my way. On Saturday I started feeling my lower back tighten up (something that happens periodically since an injury in '02). By Sunday, it was definitely siezed up tight and I was having a hard time standing up straight or sitting for more than a couple of moments. The only position of relief is flat on my back. I notice that although the start of my back problems originated from an injury, the spasms return in conjunction with significant emotional stress. I believe that when I am unable to release my emotional stress adequately, it works itself out through my body in a not so comfortable process. Although I'm anxious about starting the chemotherapy tomorrow, I also have a lot of fear still and I think its just been mounting and had no place to go except my lower back. The pain has continued through today in full force, so this morning I decided to open up the phone book and find a chiropractor. Completely by chance, I ended up at a beautiful clinic with an excellent doctor. He did a thorough exam, took x-rays, put me on a traction table and gave me a great adjustment. He was aware of my breast cancer and did address it sensitively and professionally. My insurance doesn't cover chiropractic care, which he knew. When it came time for the bill (close to $400), he looked at me and said, "I think you are a very special person with a very special life to live. . . and I just think you deserve a break. . . this is the least I can do, but I hope it helps." He charged me just $70 for the 2+ hour visit. Can you believe that? I was teary, as was he, and when I left he gave me a hug. It was a real hug too. . . from a real doctor. That has never happened to me before and I must say it was a really great experience. We put so much trust into our healthcare providers and we are so open about our lives and our bodies, yet we are also very disconnected from them in so many basic ways. To be connected with them in a most human way, through a hug, was very moving. My body and my heart was much better when I left. I will see him another couple of times this week. I'm so grateful for the amazing people that are in my life.

I had scheduled a massage for today prior to any of these current back issues, and sadly, it wasn't the right timing. She was a good therapist and it did feel good at times, but it was a little too intense and when I left my back felt even worst than ever. You win some, you lose some I guess. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to my appointment with chiropractor tomorrow.

My first chemotherapy injection is tomorrow morning. Please think good thoughts. I know you will! I'll let you know how things go as soon as I can tell.


~~just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a butterfly~~

Did I tell you about the baby reindeer?

Just wanted to tell you about the sweet little baby reindeer my friend Millie and I found in May. I know I mentioned it to some of you on the phone, but here are the pictures. My friend Millie and I took a nice walk on the new Glacier Creek Road just outside of town. It was just a week or so after my diagnosis so we did a lot of talking. The weather was cool, but nice, the scenery to die for. So beautiful. After our walk, we took a little drive down the road and there on the side of the road was a teeny tiny little reindeer. No mother, no other in sight. We had no idea what to do. This little thing was so weak it could barely stand up. When it did stand and try to walk for just a moment, it came toward us with a sheep like cry. It was nudging at us to try to find something to eat. It was so skinny and just looked to be on the brink of its demise. She even still had her umbilical cord. So sad. Millie had seen this same reindeer in the same spot yesterday. It was being attacked by ravens and Millie said that she sadly turned her head and imagined that nature would take its course. But, when this little girl was there again, obviously having survived the night and more, we felt that something had to be done. We did feel wrong about taking it, but we definitely didn't feel right about leaving it either. Reindeer run in herds and are not exactly wild here. Although they do roam, they are domesticated on some level. Humans care for them and assure their survival. They live a nice life before they are harvested.

There are a few folks in town that actually keep them as pets. My neighbor, Carl, has one named Velvet and she goes everywhere in the back of his little toyota truck. . .

Ultimately, we decided that we just couldn't let this little girl stay there to die when she had clearly been abandoned. So, along with Duke and Henry, we loaded up another furry friend. I held the little reindeer in the front seat for the ride home. She did pretty well. She nustled up to me and was trying to suckle at my neck. Her little muzzle was so darn soft. She was just precious. When we got her home,the first call was to the local vet to find out what to feed her. He suggested a mixture of whole milk and butter, warmed up and in a bottle. Millie went to the store, and I found a friend with a bottle. I started her with the skim milk and margarine that I had at home. She took it, but not extremely well. When Millie got back with the good stuff, then she really started eating.

We were out on the deck and it was so sunny and nice. The breeze had stopped so we all enjoyed the warm sun. . . Duke, Henry, Millie, I, and who we now called Lily. We made some calls to find out who owned the herd in that area and finally got in touch with them. They were less than thrilled about having to come and rescue one of the little babies. After almost 5 hours and several phone calls, someone finally came. In the meantime, Millie and I racked our brains about where else Lily could go.
I called my mom and asked if she would take her on Almosta Farm. Millie and her husband Andy contemplated whether or not they could keep it here in Nome. Andy called to see if his brother, who has a ranch in Washington, would take it.
And, we found a friend here in Nome that lives out of town, who said he would be willing to take care of it until it was old enough and strong enough to return to the herd. Lily already had lots of people willing to help. But, alas, the herd owners finally came to get her. By that time we were all feeling very concerned about what they were going to do with her. They said that they would get her back to the herd and she would be fine. I can't really think too much about it, because it just makes me feel sad, but I have no idea what Lily's future became.
Hopefully, she is happy and healthy with the herd, but considering the human interaction that she had it does seem unlikely that she would be accepted back, especially after being abandoned in the first place. But, Millie and I decided that at least she enjoyed a good moment in the sun with warm milk and some love. She had fun with Duke and Henry too. Although I think they were much more excited about her then she was about them. Espcially Duke. . . he was in love.

She absolutely helped me out that day too. After so much being on my mind in the previous week, her presence made everything vanish for a little while. She was just this sweet little baby that needed something from us (or at least we thought she did) that we were able to give her, if even for a moment.

This is real. . .

Saturday was a day that I would have preferred to skip. I was feeling particularly alone and defeated and spent the entire day in my room, in my bed. There was some physical discomfort during much of the day, but really, I was more held down by my emotional state. I did get out for a short walk with Duke and I did take a shower. I would like to say that I spent the down time reading or writing or doing something of some worth. But, I didn't. I felt alone, I felt fragile, I felt like I just didn't have the energy to muster a conversation with another, to smile, to eat, to do anything. I couldn't sleep either so I just layed there all day. I felt like I was covered with a heavy blanket and had no way of lifting it off me. I cried a lot and I felt afraid that this was what my days were destined to be. I still feel so overwhelmed and so alone in many ways. I know that I'm not, but there is just so much that is such a personal process. As much as I accept that and am trying to embrace that, I also wish that someone could just really understand. Its so hard to explain. I guess I'm telling you this because it is real. This is part of the experience. If I'm willing to share this experience, I have to be willing to share even some of the difficult times. Please don't feel sorry for me. I have actually been feeling like I don't really represent an accurate picture of things on this blog. I don't want to mislead people or appear to be something that I'm not and I wonder sometimes if I am. Naturally though, I am not compelled to write when I feel down and instead come to share my thoughts when I'm having a good day. I also don't think anyone else should have to share in the miserable moments. But, this does sort of skew the genuine experience for all of us if I'm unwilling to share the rough stuff. In any case, after the long and sort of pitiful (as I reflect on it now) day I had on Saturday, all of these thoughts were certainly swirling.

Late last night a couple of friends came over and visited for a while. I initially wanted to close up and push them away, but I didn't and instead I was able to have a good visit, enjoy another room in my house for a moment, and generally feel a little better. I also got an email last night from a woman I only barely know here in Nome. Her name is Jennifer and we have only spent time together on a few occasions, but there was always a good connection between us. Despite the fact that we don't know eachother very well, she has been very caring and supportive through emails since she heard of my diagnosis. She recently wrote an email making reference to me being an inspiration. I wrote back thanking her, but stating that I am not any different than anyone else and that I'm just doing the best I can. So, I recieved an email back from her and it really hit me. Initially, it just felt really nice to have the kindness that she was extending. But then the words just stuck with me, I even dreamt about it. She wrote:

I have been thinking about your email asking me not to be decieved by your ability to see the little things in life...you said that you are just like everybody else but I have to tell you that you ARE NOT like everybody else...

I feel kinda compelled to write to you...
When I first met you, I was definitely moved by your energy. You have good energy all around you. You seem like a such a happy person (like my brother Norm said, right?) As I have grown older, I have realized that people "choose" to live that way. Its not because they have a better job, more money, or a great man/women in thier life.... This is how I feel about you and what you have written in your blogs. You are "choosing" to see the positive things that are still all around you. Not everyone does that. I firmly believe that the way we conciously decide we are gonna live our lives directly impacts the outcome...we choose. I admire you. Allow yourself to be admired and inspirational to others...

I'm proud to say that today was not another Saturday. I woke up and just knew that it was absolutely a new day and that yesterday's blanket was gone. Jennifer was right, I do "choose" for the positive path. I can make that choice everyday. Although I wish I could understand why days like yesterday happen, I don't really. What I do understand though is that I can move forward. I don't have to get stuck there. Jennifer's words really did help I just thank her for being willing to share those thoughts with me just when I needed it.

I've been looking a lot at cancer support sites on the internet. I'm less interested in studies and statistics and more compelled to read other people's stories, thoughts, and experiences with cancer. I've found www.breastcancer.org to have pretty good discussion boards that I can relate to, at least a little. On that site, I came across this short video clip that really articulates the attitude that I have in some ways already, and am trying for in other ways. I imagine that I will look at it again through this process as another small reminder of some of the ways I'm seeking to survive and thrive. I thought it might be something that some of you may also like to watch. If you do watch it I hope that you will really feel the message, as I did, and think of me with these sort of hopes rather than sadness. Maybe you even know someone else that could benefit from seeing this. If so, I hope you'll pass it on. It takes a little while to load, but I think its worth it. Let me know what you think. Go to The Survivor Movie.

Nome sunset/sunrise, (remember its a simultaneous thing for us Nomeites) Friday night about 2am. Isn't it something?!


My love to you. . . goodnight.

The moment you've all been waiting for!

I'm kidding. Really. I am certain that nobody has been waiting around for me to finally find a way to post pictures on my blog, although there may be at least two that have been in anticipation much more than the rest(you know who you are, Mom and Romy). Anyhoo, for those of you who may be interested, I've finally figured it out. It starts on Feb. 6th, under the post "Arrived in Tela!" I've put some pictures on almost every post since, with exception to all these recent ones on breast cancer. Although if you look through those you'll find a couple more smattered through them as well. Hope you enjoy.

Its been a tougher week, physically, than I thought it would be, so I didn't get back to work as soon as I would have liked. I feel like tomorrow will be the day at last.


Goodnight

If you don't know Romy. . . you should!

Romy is a beautiful woman inside and out who has been a very important part of my life for the past 17 years. We were 11 years old when we met. Besides my family, there is nobody who has been in my life longer. I had just moved to La Crescenta with my dad and we moved into the same apartment complex where Romy lived. I think it was only about a week before Romy and I met and very shortly after that we became inseprable. Our relationship has been through highs and lows, like any true friendship has, but our connection has never been lost. No matter what we have been through individually or separately she is a part of me and that will never change. She loves me in a way that very few others do. She is funny, creative, loving, generous, intelligent, kind. . . and so much more.


When I got back from Anchorage, I had 12 letters from her in my mailbox. Nearly everyday she sent me something. Sometimes it was a letter, sometimes a sweet card, somtimes books to make me laugh or gain inspiration. One day it was a survivor's story, another day it was the definition of a "medallion man." She sent poems, affirmations, and even a joke book that she and her 5th grade students made for me. It was incredible. I didn't open anything right away. I waited for a really quiet moment where I could sit and take it all in. On Saturday I spent part of the day at my friend's cabin a few miles out of town. Erik was in town with me still and he ventured off to go fishing for a while, so I had a nice relaxing space to delve into everything she sent me. I laughed and cried and felt so touched, so grateful for who she is.

She and her students made a Joke Book for me. Each student had a page to write a joke, complete with illustrations. It was so so sweet. The jokes were so funny and those which I didn't really get, still made me laugh. I've gone through it again and again, each time catching a little something more. It was so touching to see what these sweet kids were willing to do for Miss V's friend. Here is the letter from Romy that is in the front of the book.

May 17, 2006

Dear Sasha,
I am still thinking of you every moment. My only salvation has been my work and the needs of my kids. I came to work today and decided that they could see a part of my human side. I told them that I have a sick friend and that you would be having surgery on the 22nd. Right away, they were like "What can we do? How can we help?" So we made this gift for you in hopes that you could forget, if at least for a moment.

I know that I have told you how low they are academically and this book is the proof. I have also said that they are the sweetest kids I have ever known, and this book is also the evidence of that. Some of these jokes are truly funny. And then others reflect laughable skills. I showed them pictures of us and Sarah (who wrote the first joke) asked, "Which one is you, Miss V?" Poor thing.

We are all thinking of you and sending our love, happy thoughts, and positive energy.

Love You,
Romy

When the day comes that you are near don't let me forget to show this book to you. It is just so special and truly lifted me up.

Another very poignant letter I got from Romy talked about a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. Romy says that the book talks about every affliction from abdominal cramps to yeast infections (in ABC order). The author suggests that every illness is caused by things within our control and that we can begin to heal simply by saying an affirmation several times a day. I have not seen the book, but I have ordered it. My initial reaction is that our thoughts or attitudes do not necessarily "cause" physical illnesses. However, I am a firm believer that they are a part of the problem and solution. I absolutely believe in the power of our thoughts and the energy of our spirit and how it can affect our physical wellness, or lack there of. Romy shared exerpts from the book as they relate to my current situation. The connection I felt to these ideas were so powerful that I wanted to share them. I'd love to know your thoughts on this.

Problem - Breast(s)
Probable Cause - Represents mothering and nurturing and nourishment.
New Thought Pattern - I take in and give out nourishment in perfect balance.

Problem - Breast Problems
Probable Cause - A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Overmothering. Overprotection. Overbearing attitudes.
New Thought Pattern - I am important. I count. I now care for and nourish myself with love and with joy. I allow others the freedom to be who they are. We are all safe and free.

Problem - Cancer
Probable Cause - Deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds. The "What's the use?" attitude.
New Thought Pattern - I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself.

Romy made six copies of each affirmation so that I can put them all around as a reminder to say them out loud and to myself. Romy is a light in my life and I just wanted to take this moment to share a little bit of her with you. To you Romy, thank you from the deepest place I have, for your unwavering support, love, and hope. Everything you have sent has been received with the utmost gratitude. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! May you all be lucky enough to have a Romy in your life.


I Love you Romy!

I Believe. . .

Today I went to a beautiful salon for a facial with an Esthetician that I had never met. I was given a gift certificate by my dear friends Millie and Greta. I've only had a facial one other time and although it was good enough to obviously make me think I'd like another one, it far from compared to the experience that I had today.

I firmly believe that there is no replacement for the human touch and the energy that can be exchanged between people during body work. Individuals can be trained in the technical aspects of Massage, Esthetics, Chiropractics, and other Body Treatments, but that training certainly does not equate to being a healer. I have had some very wonderful massages by skilled therapists, but I have only had one other experience similar to what I had today. Without going into all the details of my facial session (which includes some upper body massage), I just want to share what a profound experience it was.

The woman who worked with me was not only skilled, but had such a positive energy to share. During the time we were together I shared some very minimal details about my breast cancer and her sincere compassion and love absolutely eminated through to me on a deep level. I could feel it in my soul. The work she did with me was phenomenal, but the true healing from her heart to mine is what was most remarkable. I just know that this woman is someone who really cares about others and wants to be a part of making people feel better, which she does amazingly. I felt so good. I was refreshed and felt a rejuvenation I haven't felt in weeks. It was a rare treat.

As pleased as I could be, I went to the desk to settle the bill. Two of the receptionists were overlooking the billing slip somewhat puzzled. They checked on something with one other woman before turning to me to say, "there will be no charge for today's facial. . . its courtesy of Jenny." Not only did I have gift certificate from my friends, but I was also more than happy to pay. The deep peace and understanding I felt after the facial was worth just about anything I could have paid. I was overcome and the tears flowed right there at the desk. It was such a gift, and from a woman who didn't even know me. People just don't do these things everyday. . . or ever. . . and I just feel so honored to have met her and to have been so touched by her.

For my fellow Alaskans reading this, her name is Jenny Moore and she works at Allure Day Spa 258-1122. I highly recommend treating yourself to an experience with this healer. She is an amazing woman. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Jenny!

She also recommended a stylist to cut my hair. I've decided to donate my hair to Locks of Love, which is an organization that makes hair pieces for children who have lost their hair due to cancer and other medical issues. Considering the fact that I am going to lose it anyway, this is a great opportunity for me to do something productive with my loss. I will start chemotherapy 3 weeks from tomorrow and I understand that it typically takes about 3 weeks to lose your hair completely, so I figure that I'll have 6 weeks of a fun new do. I have an appt. tomorrow morning to cut the locks. . . Maybe I'll have even more fun and pick a new color too.

(Fast forward to tomorrow and here you are with the before and after. Decided no on the color, seemed like a waste of money)

As strange as it will be to lose my hair, it really is among the more minor details of this ordeal and truth be told I'm actually a little excited about the future of that side effect. From what I'm hearing and reading, it sounds like most people grow a whole new head of hair after treatment. It could be a new color or maybe even curly :). How many people get that chance? Simple pleasures can be found if we open our eyes wide enough.

So, I'm finally heading home tomorrow evening and I'm really looking forward to it. I miss my dogs so so much. Thanks goodness they have been well taken care of by my friends Cherie and Kirsten. Thanks gals!

I must say that despite the reason that I am in Anchorage, I have still had many great moments here. Its virtually impossible not to when you're near Mike Mraz. He is truly an angel and I just love him so darn much. He has been such a wonderful friend. He absolutely has this incredible ability to listen and to offer me the space and support that I need. His compassion, love, and generosity are never ending and my gratitude for his presence in my life simply cannot be measured. Thank you for everything that you are Mike and thank you for all that you have done for me. I love you!

Today was a good day. I hope yours was too. Take care of yourself.

Treatment Plan

The follow-up appt. with my surgeon yesterday revealed good news. . . no signs of cancer on my Bone Scan or CT scan. Relief doesn't really explain the feeling I had. I am so grateful that the cancer has not spread any further than the lymph nodes. I've been so scared that it could be other places and the burden that was lifted when hearing this good news was intense. I had the mastectomy area drained again with almost as much fluid as last time, but this time I could feel that huge needle a little more. Ouch. But, the good news about that is that it means some of the numbness is fading and my chest and arm may be closer to normal soon.

Yesterday I also went to see a Naturopathic Doctor who specializes in complimentary care for cancer patients. I had an excellent meeting with him and feel armed with more knowledge about holistic care for myself in general, but specifically through this very difficult time of cancer treatment. He was very hopeful and optimistic about one of the prime issues that concerns me. . . fertility. I was given information about a drug that can esentially put your ovaries to sleep before you start chemotherapy so that there is less chance of damage to the ovaries. He also gave me a good idea of what to expect with my Oncologist and ways to compliment my treatment. He is recommending much more focus and energy be spent on optimal nutrition to help beat this cancer than with a multitude of supplements. This is absolutely congruent with my thinking prior to even seeing him, so I was pleased that this was his approach too. I will follow-up with him periodically through my treatment.

There was a scheduling issue with my oncology appt. and I actually saw him early, which turned out to be today. He was a nice man who seemed very informed about what he does. He had specific treatment ideas, based on the standard of care and was very willing to spend time talking and listening to my concerns. He did not agree with all of the recommendations from the Naturopathic Doctor however. The differences are things that I don't have to make decisions about right this minute, but it does make me question who's ideas are better for me. Unlike the Naturopath, the Oncologist does not believe that the drug that puts your ovaries to sleep is that protective. He feels that there is still a good chance for damage, and that even if they are not damaged it may actually be a good idea to take them out anyway. Because my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive (like in most women), pregnancy and all of the hormones that come along with that, can be like "throwing gasoline on a smoldering fire" as he put it. My chances of a cancer recurrence will never be zero, but the purpose of the treatments ahead are obviously to get me closer to a zero chance. He believes that whether I am able to get pregnant or not, I should really consider whether I am willing to put myself at a higher risk of this cancer coming back. He said that he would not recommend that I pursue trying to have children after my treatment is complete. This is an absolutely devastating part of this cancer diagnosis that I have been struggling with deeply. I don't have to, nor can I, figure it all out right now so I'm not going to really try. I'm going to do my best to protect my ovaries and hopefully allow myself options down the road. Its rather overwhelming to even let the extent of that really sink in.

So, the treatment plan thus far includes 8 cycles of Chemotherapy, administered every 3 weeks, followed by 6 weeks of Radiation therapy, administered everyday, followed by (up to) 5 years of hormone therapy. My chemotherapy will be given both in Nome and in Anchorage, however, my Radiation therapy will all be done in Anchorage.

I will be going home to Nome on Thursday, 6/8, and will return in 3 weeks to start chemotherapy. I'm so looking forward to getting home and seeing my dogs. . . and maybe finding something else to write about other than cancer stuff!

Oh, one thing to mention, not cancer related. . . Erik is here visiting. I feel terrible that this is his vacation and its a little boring due to my lack of energy to get out and do stuff, but I must say its been really nice to have his company and support. He is a good friend to me and he loves me very much. It feels good to have that energy near me. . . so thanks for being here Erik!