One year ago

I started this blog a year ago. Look back at the archives to October '05 if you have any interest in seeing (sort of) where I was at a year ago today. It feels like a lifetime ago to me. I was looking back through some pictures in Oct. '05 to find something to post here and it amazes me how much has changed. Looking at myself in those pictures feels like I'm looking at someone else's life. This time one year ago I was just getting back from a trip to Flagstaff, AZ with my friend Mike. We went for a quick trip to visit our friends Pam and Steve (and their daughter Ella). What a fun getaway that was!


. . .just outside of the Lava Tubes


. . .around the firepit in Pam and Steve's awsome backyard!


. . .a night on the town











. . . and Ella on a plastic horse just outside The Grand Canyon.


I was still with Erik last October, but he was already set in motion to be moving, which he did in Nov. I was mulling over thoughts of what was next for me beyond Nome and was getting close to the idea of going to massage school, which I later decided was what I wanted to do. Work was going pretty well, as I recall, and I was just meeting a whole new group of people here in Nome. It started with my old roommate Cherie. After she moved in I began meeting some new people through her and a couple have become really good friends. Namely Buford and Kirsten. Both of these people have really become a special part of my life and certainly and integral part of how I have been able to cope these past few months.

Today I'm having a hard time believing that I'm still in Nome, yet, I'm appreciating that reality so much. It really does feel like its just where I'm meant to be and I'm truly grateful for that. I'm happily single and thankful that I have only myself to worry about and take care of right now. I lack some of the zest and energy that I think I may have had last year, but I am hoping that by this time, NEXT year, I will have found that part of me and more. Oh how I'm hoping . . .

On the horizon this year. . . completing cancer treatment, some great trips with family and friends, surgery, moving, job change, growing hair. . . Its going to be an exciting year!

What I wrote when I started this blog still rings true. This space has become such a part of how I am able to stay connected with people I care about and I find it really interesting that I had just gotten it going for a few months when the time came that there seemed to be a REAL use for it. Its been an important part of this cancer process for me. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with all of you and hearing back through comments and emails has been great therapy. So, Dillon, thank you again for setting me up with it!

This picture was taken in Eagle River when I took little hike along the river during my last chemo trip. Although the trees were a little bare and the colors were a bit brown, it was still really beautiful and the fresh air was the best!



The other pictures were last week when my friend Greta was in town. She, Millie, and I got together for a salmon dinner one night and had such a nice visit. These were my girls when I first moved to Nome. The three of us, and Mike, all moved here around the same time in late 2002 and became close friends very quickly. We spent a lot of time together and had so much fun hiking and skiing and drinking wine and cooking good food and so much more. These girls and Mike were a huge part of why I fell in love with Nome. All of our lives have changed a ton, now, 4 years later, but we still have really strong connections with one another. Being together again was simply great! We missed Mike, but had a new addition, Greta's son, Florian, a real sweetheart.


















And last, but not least. . . 3 great joys in my life. . . Henry, Fiona, and Duke :)

Chemo #6

1 week post chemo and I am smooth sailing. This one was a breeze! I was changed from Taxol to Taxotere with the hope of less bone pain. Taxotere is avoided because it tends to hit your blood count a lot harder, but considering the bone and joint pain I experienced during my last round, I opted to give it a try. There was a little trouble accessing my mediport this time because the tissue has formed some fibroid matter (explained by the nurses to be sort of like the sticky part of a sore before it becomes a scab. . . ew, gross, I know) that prevents proper needle penetration. After worthless numbing cream, 3 painful needle pokes/adjustments, and some anti-coagulating fluid, I was good to go. My blood count was good, there were less patients than usual in the infusion room, and I was done in about 5 hours. Mike was there with me again too, which always seems to make the time go by easier. I truly had virtually no side effects this time. No nausea, no headaches, no vertigo, and no bone/joint pain! I couldn't believe it. I was/am still tired and lack the energy I think I should have, but this is something I am getting used to as a norm and I think I'm dealing with it alright. I did have enough energy after this round to help pull up old carpet and do some painting in Mike's new house, so I don't think I'm doing too bad. I have just two more chemo treatments and I'm guessing (hoping) they are going to be as good as this one. Finally, some relief in the midst of all of this!

The day before this treatment I met with my radiologist, Dr. Chung, for our first consultation. It was a meet and greet appointment to basically provide me with a better understanding of what I can expect from radiation therapy. First of all, Dr. Chung was Awsome! He was kind and sensitive. He was present with me in the very moment we were in and had no script for our appointment (which is contrary to what I've experienced with my oncologist). He was thoughtful, thorough, and human. Although I'd obviously prefer not to spend another 7 weeks with a doctor, if I must, I'm thrilled that its him. He is fantastic.

Some of the things I learned during this meeting. . . I will have 28 treatments to my underarm and upper chest area as well as 5 final treatments to my breast scar (where cancer often forms if there is a recurrance). Before treatment begins, I will have two treatment planning appointments in which I will be tattooed, have a body mold made, and be fitted precisely for the radiation machine. I had thought that the marks on my body would be semi-permanent, but I now know that I will have 5 small tattoos. These will only be little spots resembling something like a mole, so its not too bad I guess. I am not psyched about having permanent marks on my body, but I suppose, even if it weren't visible, there will always be "permanent marks" with me in some way from this entire experience. I think they will sort of be like battle scars in that they will be both a difficult memory, as well as a proud display of something I got through and beat. The body mold is made so that I will be in the exact same position everyday for the radiation. I will go 5 days a week for 6 1/2 weeks and each treatment appt. will be about 20 min. I'll have weekends off and the side effects are much more bearable than that of chemotherapy. Dr. Chung says that I can expect a fair amount of tiredness and fatigue (been there, done that. . . and it just doesn't scare me too much anymore), skin burns (sort of like a sunburn and only for some patients. . . maybe not me?), and continued risk of lymphydema. Okay, the last one sort of sucks. I have already developed a small amount of lymphydema under my arm and I am afraid of more. There is very little that I can do to stop it from happening and once it does happen there is nothing I can do to reverse it. Apparently, radiation can increase the risk of this happening too. Arrrgh!! Insult to injury! (Lymphydema is excess fluid or swelling that can occur as a result of the removal of the lymph nodes, just in case you didn't know)

I will start radiation on Jan. 8th and be done by the last week in Feb. if all goes as scheduled. Big sigh. It gives me chills just thinking about the day I will be done with this. . .

So, before I go, I'm just wondering if anyone has found a new passion for pink this month? Or maybe a reason to run? A huge thanks to my sweet friend Kacey who is running in a 5K breast cancer event this month in support of me and so many other women. . . You rock!

Hope you are well!

With Love, me

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For those of you who don't know, October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

The Facts: Breast Cancer and Women
According to the World Health Organization, more than 1.1 million people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, worldwide, and more than 4.4 million women have been diagnosed within the past five years, worldwide. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2005, approximately 211,240 women in the United States were diagnosed with invasive breast cancer (Stages I-IV). The chance of developing invasive breast cancer during a woman's lifetime is approximately 1 in 7 (13.4%). Another 58,490 women will be diagnosed with in situ breast cancer, a very early form of the disease.

The Facts: Breast Cancer and Young Women
Despite the prevailing opinion that young women don't get breast cancer, the reality is that they can and they do. In fact, one in every 258 women between the ages of 30 and 40 will be diagnosed with breast cancer within the next 10 years. Approximately 11,000 women under the age of 40 will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and close to 1,100 will die. Young women with breast cancer struggle with many issues that their post-menopausal counterparts don’t face, including: the possibility of early menopause, pregnancy after diagnosis, generally more advanced cancers at diagnosis, and higher mortality rates. There are nearly 250,000 women in the United States under the age of 40 currently living with breast cancer.

I wanted to make this entry full of information for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so here are a few things for you to know.

National Mammography Day: October 21st

Mammograms definitely save lives. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to just be over 40 to have a mammogram. If breast cancer runs in your family, if you have had lumps in your breasts before, or if simply, you're nervous and want a baseline image of your breasts, have a mammogram. Even if insurance won't pay for it, spend the money. I believe that the peace of mind is worth it. I found the lump in my breast, but without the mammogram, things would not have been taken seriously.

This year, as in many years past, October 21st, marks the day when there are free or discounted screening mammograms. To learn which facilities in your area are participating, call the American Cancer Society at 1-800-ACS-2345; The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation at 1-800-462-9273; the National Alliance of Breast Cancer Organizations (NABCO) at 1-800-719-9154; the Y-Me National Breast Cancer Organization at 1-800-221-2141; or the National Cancer Institute at 1-800-4-CANCER.

Wear your Pink: Whole Month of October

There are numerous stores that sell all things pink for breast cancer. Last year, pink products earned $30 million for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation -- and raised awareness for the cause. Wear your pink proudly this month :) It makes women like me smile!

Breast Cancer Awareness Shop

Healing Ribbons

The Breast Cancer Site

Breast Self-Exams: Start now and don't stop!

Through this month, do your breast self-exams if you're a woman. Ask your physician if you don't know how or are unsure of what to look for. Then do them regularly every month. It's quick and it's easy. If I had not been in touch with my body and doing regular self-exams my lump would have gone unnoticed for who knows how long. As it is my doctors think my cancer was growing at least 4-5 years. Imagine if I had not found the lump? Stage II cancer would have easily become more and my chance at survival certainly less. So, I urge you to take control of your body and start doing this simple exam on yourself, every month. If you're a man, encourage your mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends to do their self-exams, have a mammogram, and take care of themselves...

Take a Walk, Run, or Stroll!

All this month, all over the country, there are Breast Cancer Awareness Walks. Even Nome is having one on Saturday. Check for an event like this in your community and gather your friends together to take a moment for this cause. There is power in numbers and the awareness and money raised from these events is staggering. More importantly, it is a huge sign of support for women living with this illness.

One of my biggest struggles this past few months has been how to accept breast cancer as part of my world, part of my identity. There is this huge part of me that just doesn't want to join the club, even though I already have. I do not want to be defined by breast cancer, yet there seems to be no alternative at this moment of my life. I do not believe that will be the case forever! Someday, it will not be at the center of my world, but the truth is that right now, it is.

Pre-diagnosis I didn't know much more about breast cancer than the fact that to support the cause, I could wear pink. It was on the list of all the many other cancers and world issues that could be represented by a ribbon. I never really knew what that ribbon meant to those wearing it and to those who see it. I can only speak for myself, but I have to admit that as a woman living with breast cancer, that pink ribbon speaks volumes to me. Every time I see a wristband, or a car magnet, or a t-shirt, or anything donning that pink ribbon, I am reminded of hope and of love. I am connected to others who understand and who value the importance of spreading awareness and raising money for this issue. I am in the face, just for a moment, of someone else who has been touched by this illness. I really do feel something special inside just knowing that I am not alone. I know that may seem crazy that I would ever think that I am really alone in this issue, but sometimes, it truly feels like I am. Like there is nobody in this world that really understands what is happening to my life. But, that pink ribbon really does help me keep my feet on the ground and realize that people do know and people do understand. For every person donning a pink ribbon, the story is a little different, but the emotions that are experienced through this illness are the same.

I have obviously learned a lot, first-hand about breast cancer, but I've also done a lot of research to learn even more. Its been interesting to navigate all of the resources out there and to try and decipher what information I really want to listen to. Here are a couple of resources that I have found particularly helpful.

Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

Young Survival Coalition

breastcancer.org


One last thing. . . If you're wanting to do a little something for Breast Cancer Awareness Month here is an idea that will benefit breast cancer research as well as yourself. Evelyn H. Lauder, founder of The Breast Cancer Research Foundation has put together what looks to be like a fabulous cookbook called "In Great Taste". You can find it at any number of online sites. I ordered mine through Amazon.com for less than $20. All royalties will go to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Well, this has been a marathon entry. I hope you were able to get all the way through it. Thanks for being part of my team and supporting me so much. I don't often hear comments from anyone other than the usual 3 or 4 people (which I love by the way), but I would really enjoy hearing from more of you. Feel free to use the comments page to say hello, share a story, express your thoughts, or whatever else you may think of.

With Love, Sasha

Changes. . .

Most of the time I really don't notice the physical changes I've experienced. I don't know if I'm just blocking it out or if it really doesn't matter that much. But, since the disappearance of my eyebrows it seems like my appearance has struck me more than ever. Somehow without my eyebrows, my face really looks foreign to me and I'm just not so fond of looking at it. I was looking back on some pictures and couldn't help but notice just how much my appearance has changed over the past 6 months. . . I wonder if I'll ever really look the same again?

March

May

July

September

Fiona's Arrival!

I've been thinking about getting a cat for over a year now, but have hesitated because I had plans to move to Hawaii and just thought it would be more difficult to move 3 animals instead of just 2. But, in light of my current life situation, I am becoming resolved to the fact that I am going to remain settled right here in Alaska for a while. So, I just thought, why not? I'd like another personality in the house and I do have the room. . . So, I've been checking with the animal shelter for kittens and Monday was my day. She and her 4 brothers arrived to the shelter on Sunday night and she was on her way home with me by Monday afternoon.

She wasn't too sure of things right away. She cried on the way home, but once she got inside and met Duke and Henry, she began to loosen up. Duke was instantly obsessed with her and wouldn't leave her alone. Henry on the other hand was very cautious and shy.

I expected him to be jealous and a little territorial, but he wasn't at all. Instead of jealous, he actually appeared to be hurt that there was another object of my affection. It was sad really. But, I just let the three of them feel eachother out and after a while I decided to give, who I was now calling Fiona, a bath in the bathroom sink. Amazingly, she was very cooperative and I didn't have any trouble getting her clean as new. But, of course she was much happier once she got out and was wrapped up in a big, soft towel.

The instinct of a cat is so instant though, so it wasn't long before she was off grooming her pretty grey coat.

By that night Duke's obsession had subsided and Henry had become quite chummy with her.

I'm really glad I got her and am excited to have another girl in the house. I do think it will balance the energy a little bit. I know that sounds crazy, but, well, nevermind. . .

Fiona was born on July 17th, so she is close to 3 months old. So far, she has shown herself to have a very persistent voice (meow), to be extremely playful, and to be the easiest potty training of my life. From the first second that I put her in her box, she went to the bathroom and has not missed going in her box since. Very imporessive. So, just day two and she definitely seems to be settling into her new place with her new brothers quite nicely. This should be fun :)