I was at my friend Buford's house tonight watching a movie and left at about 12:30. As I reversed out of his driveway and the space that was the house turned to sky, I caught a glance of the most incredible display of northern lights that I have ever seen. I immediately jumped out of my car and ran into the middle of the road to have a clear view of the sky. It was entirely filled with dancing, swirling, colorful waves of light. It was moving so fast and even each blink would bring a completely new scene. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I ran back in the house and yelled for Buford to come outside and see it. He was pretty tired and already fairly settled into the couch, lights off, eyes closed. . . but, he came out anyway. We jumped in the car and drove two blocks to get out of the city lights. We drove to a couple of different spots chasing the lights and ultimately found a perfect place to watch. We must have spent at least a half an hour watching this spectacular light show by Miss Nature. It made my year. I know that sounds like a stretch, but seriously, I was in awe. I have seen Northern Lights through the past four years, but have never seen anything that even remotely compares to what I witnessed tonight. Buford has lived in Alaska his entire life and he too said that he had never seen anything like it. Needless to say, he was glad I grabbed him off the couch to check it out. It was kind of like being on drugs only so much better!! Wow! I wish I had had my camera so that I could have captured some of it to share with you. I guess my written description will have to suffice.
Since I'm a bit wired from this crazy, beautiful light show that I just saw, I thought I'd write a little. I've been meaning to write since I got home last Saturday actually. I wanted to share the news I mentioned earlier. The news isn't really worthy of being called news, but here it is anyway. . . I got a wig, and I got a boob. . .
From the start I never had any intention of getting a wig. It just seemed so foreign to me and honestly, I've been okay with my bald head. Sure its not my favorite look, but for 5 months now it has felt alright. The boob (actually called a prosthetic) was something I did consider early on. However, when I was considering it, I was still swollen from surgery and couldn't be fit properly, so I waited. By the time I was ready physically, I just didn't want it anymore. That too has been okay. Looking back I can now see that neither of those things played much importance for me while I had so many other gigantic things to process through. I was also so incredibly run down physically from the chemo that I didn't even have the energy to think about it. Since these past couple of chemo rounds have been so much easier on me, I have begun to really feel better physically and emotionally. I am still processing through a lot, but I guess the giant nature of it all has lessened a little.
Along with feeling better, I am feeling tired of being the center of attention. I'm tired of feeling like I'm wearing a big sign that tells the world exactly what is happening in my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a walking invitation for anyone to stare at me, ask me questions, or give me advice. I'm just sort of over it. Its strange though because what I've realized recently is that maybe part of me being okay with my physical changes being right out there for the world to see was because I needed people to see. I have felt so alone in so many ways and maybe by being out there so openly I was in some strange way filling my need to connect with others. I needed others to know so that I didn't have to feel so alone. I didn't realize that until now.
But, at this point, I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to blend in and feel like myself again. The moment it really hit me was a couple of weeks ago at the airport in Anchorage. As I was checking my bags, the agent looked over my ID. With a shocked look he stared harder at it and then at me and back again. With a sort of desperate quality to his voice, he says, "Oh my gosh. . . you were soooo pretty. . ." Turning to the agent beside him, he hands her my ID and says "Look at this. . . can you believe how pretty she was?" She was clearly a bit more aware than he was and didn't give much reaction besides an apologetic glance at me. I didn't take offense, as I know that he had no ill intention, but did wish at the moment that I didn't have to be going through what I'm going through.
As I walked away, slinging my backpack on, I had this little vision of how I used to have to pull my hair out of the way everytime I had that pack on. I just thought to myself how tired I was of my big, bald head, among other things. So, before my next trip into Anchorage I made appointments with a hair prothetist and with a fit specialist at the lingerie department in Nordstrom's. Two days after my last chemo, I was in a new do and feeling like my shirt actually fit right for the first time in months. Tomorrow will be one week with my new "accessories", as I like to call them, and I have to admit, it feels so much better than I ever expected.
The wig is shoulder length, auburn, and made of real hair. I think its really pretty and its actually the color that I've always wished my hair was. Since I got to choose, I figured why not get exactly what I want. The prosthetic is made of silicone, is perfectly comfortable, and looks really natural. This past week I have really felt pretty good. Its not just the "accessories", but also the fact that I feel so much better physically, and I am only one chemo treatment away from closing this chapter in my life. What I notice about restoring my physical self a little bit though, is that I feel so much less shocked when I catch a reflection of myself. I don't have an immediate blaring reminder of cancer, even if its just for a second. I feel a little more feminine as I spend time doing my hair in the morning. I even take the time to put on a little make-up, including eyebrows. A make-up girl at Nordstrom taught me how and with the few tiny hairs I have left, the powder I use ends up looking pretty darn close to the real thing. It looks like my face again. I feel like I'm even standing up straighter. I didn't expect any of that. I was just ready to be a little more anonymous that's all. So, surprise to even me. The wig and the prosthetic. . . fantastic! I think one of the things that feels so good is that I know that I don't need these things. I know that I am okay without them. But, I like them and I feel good. I feel better than I've felt in what seems like ages!
These accessories are not cheap. The wig was almost $800 and the prosthetic was close to $400. Fortunately, I have spectacular insurance that covers the full cost of both. There isn't a second since this whole thing started that I haven't thanked my lucky stars for my amazing insurance. So, since I'm so lucky, I figure I can pass it along. Many women can't afford these things and do not have insurance to cover it, so I'm looking forward to the day when I no longer need them. I'm excited about finding another woman who can get some use of these accessories who otherwise wouldn't be able to. Win, Win.
Well, it is way past my bedtime and that wired feeling I had has long since faded, so finally, goodnight. I will post some pictures of my pretty new hair very soon.
| View Show | Create Your Own
