"pinked out!"

if you don't already know, i'm in florida to attend the 8th annual conference for young women affected by breast cancer. its co-sponsored by the young survival coalition, and living beyond breast cancer and is the only international event focused on the unique needs and issues faced by young women who are diagnosed with breast cancer.

friday morning before the conference started i was relaxing and knitting in the lobby. i noticed a number of other women passing through that were no doubt there for the conference. donned in a variety of pink garb and with a all sorts of clever, inspirational, and sometimes crass t-shirts. walking banners of awareness or something like that. some were bald and others with curly little fros just like me. and some with pretty long hair. all shapes and sizes. all colors. and a range of ages from what looked like late teens or very early twenties on up to well into their 50's. the target was for any woman who had been diagnosed at 40 or under. i watched and wondered about each of their stories.

another woman, like me, who was not so obviously there for the conference was sitting in the lobby too. her name is pam and she took a chance and reached out to inquire about whether i was there for the conference too. we quickly began to visit and it didn't take long for me to know that i liked her. within 5 minutes of our conversation starting we were interrupted by another woman who came over to us and said, "i couldn't help but over hear you and i just wanted to tell you that my niece had breast cancer too. . . " with an apolegetic look on her face she went on to say, ". . . she was diagnosed at 40 and she died, leaving two little children behind. . . "

the stories that people choose to share with you never fail to amaze me. no doubt this woman thought she was somehow connecting with us and had no ill intention. . . . but . . . . are you serious? are you really standing here telling us (two women she now knows have had breast cancer) about the grim details of your nieces death from breast cancer? wow. pam and i didn't need to discuss it, but we both shared the same feeling. tolerant of the unawareness, but baffled nonetheless. really, it just made us laugh and we both got it. we had lunch together and i for one, really enjoyed the company. we both talked about our own breast cancer stories a little, but easily enjoyed other conversation too. like my other friend pam (from nome, who now lives in arizona), this pam also has a great sense of humor. i appreciated the friendly and easy conversation and most of all having some laughs.

pam and i were both at this event for the first time and we each wondered what exactly we were going to get out of it. we shared the same perspective about being open to new information, but somewhat unsure about being in the midst of so much pink and all that entails. pam put it best when she said, "at the end of this weekend i'm either going to be enlightened or totally pinked out." i'm on the verge. one more day . . .

i'm not sure how i feel about my experience so far. i have heard some good information and i've certainly met many other women who are walking on both smoother and bumpier paths than i. i've been surprised at how many faces so much younger than i that are here. i've been even more surprised at the number of women i have met who started with a little old regular cancer just like mine that has now returned as metastatic disease. sadly, this is a reality that is not praticularly helpful to be surrounded by. its been a little conflicting to be around other women that i feel both compelled to support and empathize with and want to get away from so that i don't have to hear their sad story anymore. i know that sounds terrible, but its true. i've enjoyed a few brief conversations i've shared with other survivors and i've especially enjoyed the visits that pam and i have had. but, overall, i did not move too far from the lonely space i would so very much like to be away from. i said i didn't know what to expect from this event and that i was just here to see what it was all about, but the truth i have now realized is that i did expect and want something . . . to not feel so alone.

that aloneness is one of the most overwhelming feelings that has plagued me since my diagnosis (nearly 2 years ago). i sometimes feel bad that i feel so alone, because i know, logically, that i'm not. i have so many people in my life that are here for me in person, over the phone, and by email. i know that there are people i can turn to who will love me, support me, and try to understand me. but, no matter how true that is and has been through this whole ordeal, it doesn't change the fact that i still feel alone. i can't express how i really feel. i can't explain my thoughts, my fears, or my sadness. i have reached out to other breast cancer survivors in different settings and have yet to find someone who i can truly relate with. this has been a very difficult reality of the past 21 months. but, i have had moments. and my time with pam has been one of those moments. she helped remind me of something i lose sight of at times. . . that we all have such an individual story. there are similar strands that we share, but hoping or expecting to "truly relate" with another may just be unrealistic.

one of the reasons that i have felt so separated, even from other survivors, is that i have just never felt like i was really part of the club of breast cancer survivors. i still don't even completely connect with the reference to being a "survivor". and yet, i also no longer connect with my peers like i used to. i don't fit. at times, i have met others who have had breast cancer that have made statements like, "welcome to the club" or "welcome to the sisterhood". although i appreciate the sentiment and effort for camraderie, it has never felt real to me. it definitely seems that there is a large population of breast cancer survivors that identify completely with all things pink . . . its their new identity and their life. its a staple of who they are and there is no shortage of reasons to talk about the "journey" of surviving breast cancer. i don't want to be that. i' hope that i'm not. i hope that its not the first thing on people's minds when they think of me (yet i hope they still think of it a little - i know it doesn't make any sense). i don't know how to find that balance between being a young woman who has had breast cancer and just being a young woman. i still feel sometimes like i'm reeling from what seems like a totally unreal experience. i realize that i haven't found how to truly accept what i've been through and am going through. i want to forget, but i know that i never can. i want to be more than breast cancer, yet sometimes it feels like it overshadows all else. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain what cannot be explained. . .

anyway, pam also reminded me of something i have to remind myself of all the time . . . to just take it a piece at a time. to not get burdened by the enormity of all the choices, decisions, and possibilities of the future. remember to take it slow and just do one thing at a time. learning to be alone is difficult, but i'm doing it and i really do feel in my heart that it is just going to keep getting easier. fingers crossed.

goodnight.

anyone want to go to cuba with me?

my inner fashionista has been unleashed!

about 30 minutes from my hotel in jacksonville is jacksonville beach. these pictures were taken yesterday, a beautiful, sunny, 65 degree day. no swimming for me, but others were going for it. i enjoyed a nice walk and relaxed with my book. it was great.

today was a little different . . .

most people who know me would not think of me as some sort of fashion forward or trendy sort of girl. and for the most part they would be right. my 'style' has been a slow evolution from a hippy dip sort of genre which i so proudly expressed in highschool and through college. i had the occasional vear toward trendy depending on the moment and often the boyfriend. but, i always made my way back to the crunchy, eclectic, hippy kind of style. or something sorta like that. truth, i am not too fussy about clothes, shoes, bags, or any of those sorts of things. but, another truth. . . i would be if it made more sense for me to be. what i mean is, for instance, if i was a much smaller size, i would be all too pleased to be a true shopper and wear the newest and cutest on the rackes. if i had the money to spare, i would likely spare it on ridiculous new shoes and other accessories. this is a truth i'm not exactly proud of, but it is still a truth. i do my fair share of shopping, but it is almost always on the super sale racks of any store i may be in . . . even in the thrift stores. i love a bargain. . . or what feels like a bargain at the moment. who doesn't right? i also do a whole lot of donating back to the thrift stores when i tire of what i've got. gosh i hope this drivel isn't quite as sickening as it seems to be as i write it. i must sound so spoiled! i suppose i am though. i guess when you get to my age and still have no partner or kids, your money has a little more freedom for indulgence. what my money should be freely doing is paying off the recent debt that i accrued working on my house the past many months. for the most part it is doing that, but today, my money and my inner fashionista had a mind of their own!

i drove about an hour away today to go see st. augustine, florida's oldest city. i had heard it was a cool, quaint, historic little town with a beautiful beach and fun shops to browse. an exit before the one to this sweet little place, which it certainly was, i was lured off the freeway by a billboard advertising a coach outlet store. coach, as in the super cute, super well-made purses, wallets, bags, etc. i've looked at coach purses on and off over the years as i make the occasional pass through a high end department store when i happen to be at the mall for something. but, at a price tag of $200 to $500 a purse, i have just never been able to justify it. but, today, after following the billboard right off the freeway, i had a little tinge of excitement that maybe, just maybe, it would be cheap enough that i could justify a purchase. outlet prices are often not all that great though. sometimes its only 5 or 10% less than retail. well, not today. in addition to the usual discount, the store was on some sort of super blow out sale and everything was marked down 60 to 80% off. it was insane. i must admit, i did become a little crazed as i walked around the store and at one point i think i had something like 7 purses on my arms and 3 wallets in my hand. most were for me, but i also had gifts. but, slowly, i widdled it down and ended with just, get ready, 4, yes 4 purses! oh my gosh. i never thought i would even own one coach purse, and i just walked out with 4. are you kidding me? i was and still am simply giddy. definitely not an understatement to say i was 'like a kid in a candy store'. and the greatest thing about purses are that you do actually need them and it doesn't matter what size you are. . . we can all find a purse we love that looks great on your shoulder.

while there i picked out gifts for my sister-in-law and my other brother's girlfriend. but, before buying, i made quick phone calls to my brothers to check and see whether they thought a purse was a good idea. . . both, unfortunately shot me down. they were nice about it, but both admitted that their other half was not all that interested in purses. what! reluctantly, i put them back. i had four other items for other women i know, but after hearing from my brothers i realized that maybe my taste isn't for everyone. so, everything went back to the shelves. except for my choices of course.

i did spend a lot of money, but for what i got, well, it was definitely worth it. i ended up getting 4 purses for less than what 1, relatively cheap selection, would have cost me at nordy's. so exciting! at least for me. the last time i spent money and felt this excited was several months ago when i stumbled on a very cool antique store in anchorage. again, i spent too much, but what i got was just so great and i've loved it in my home ever since.

believe it or not, after all that, i can still say that i do try to limit my consumerism. i do try to be aware of what i really need and what i don't and i can honestly say the majority of the time i just don't spend for the sake of spending. (today i just took a little break . . . and it sure was fun!)

so, keep scrolling and check out my super chic and awesome new purses!!! i know its ridiculous, but i love 'em and can't wait to have a reason to use 'em. yay.

oh and i will also quickly mention. . . the beach was great, the town was cool, and even though the afternoon brought grey skies, the indulgence of the earlier afternoon kept me feelin' good.

i made it to florida

but it was about 6 hours later than it should have been. i left anchorage at almost 10pm last night. arrived chicago at 6am or so (3am ak time) and waited until my flight at 9:50am. the gate changed and i missed that info even though i was sitting at the gate the whole time except for a couple bathroom breaks. when i went to find out why we weren't loading on the plane they explained that the gate changed, that there had been an announcement (in a particularly shrill and condescending tone), and that it was now too late for me. exhausted and a bit furious, all i could do was go with it. after all i only had to wait. . . oh and mere 6 more hours, for a total of about 9 hours in the chicago airport!!! i was slightly delirious the whole time because i was so tired and had only gotten a couple hours of something resembling sleep on the plane. i did place myself in strategic corners and curl up on the floor to get some rest, but eventually people would end up sitting around me or coming close to walking on me, so that didn't really work too well for much more than about 20 min. at a time. it was a looooooooong day. then, of course, the car i reserved was no longer there for me because i didn't show up when i was supposed to. it took a little persuasion, but i was able to get the only thing left, an upgraded vehicle, for the economy price. my hotel is close to the airport and was easy to find, which ended up being the highlight of the day even though it is just your run of the mill airport hotel. expedia lied by the way. amenities included a pool and a fitness room they promised. no dice. instead, i'm on the freeway and get to be lulled to sleep by the traffic. . . except as you can see by the time of this posting, i'm not exactly getting lulled right now. the room is fine though and clean at relatively cheap at $65/night so i guess i can't ask for much. and it does have a fridge and microwave so i can save a little money by eating crap i can cook in the micro. denny's is about a block away so there i went for some food after nothing in my belly for 20 hours or so. i had a grilled cheese on sourdough with a salad. it was surprisingly delicious. i suppose anything is after that long. i read the 'welcome to jacksonville' book and learned a bit about this city and the surroundings while being pleasantly amused by the surprising back woods atmosphere it felt i had entered. i can't tell whether that was simply being in a denny's, which always sort of lends itself to the feeling to some degree, or whether it was a jacksonville thing. i shall see tomorrow when i get out and about more. i'm looking forward to exploring this place and seeing the landscape. i'm a little concerned that i won't be up for it though because for some damn reason i now cannot go to sleep. i've been exhausted all night and all day and alas i'm here in a nice big bed and i can't go to sleep. what is that about? for those of you who don't know, i'm here for a young breast cancer survivor conference. part education, part support. i guess i'm glad i'm here, but i'm still sort of hesitant about the whole thing. and i had that i'm thinking about money, but sheesh i'm spending a lot to be here. hopefully its worth it. the conference is friday through sunday so the next couple days will be mine to take some drives, see the beaches and go across all the cool bridges in this place. i have a thing for bridges. did you know jacksonville has more urban park land than any other city in the country? pretty cool i thought. they also have a few 'rails to trails' spots. its when old railroad tracks are turned into 'linear parks' as they called it. the weather isn't as warm as i had hoped it would be, but still looks like it will be nice at about 65-ish during the day. wish me sweet dreams. . . maybe it will help.

do you ever tire of the moose tales?

i know that i sure don't. i just love it and it reminds me that i am in the right place. seems that most alaskans continue to find the joy in the ever loving moose. these folks took it to a whole new level though. check it out, its super cute.

cheers to mike . . .

is the one thing i forgot to do last saturday when we celebrated mike's 40th birthday. i hosted a party at my house and about a million people showed up. i spent the day (along with Erik, Kate, Meghan, Kelly, and Sumner) cleaning, decorating, cooking, etc . . . finishing up just before the first guests arrived. once people started coming, its seems that they didn't stop. my house was packed and loud and frankly i don't remember much of the evening. i was flitting about doing the host thing. . . making sure everything was okay. . . i really do need to learn to relax. no, actually i did have a lot of fun, but it was a crazy night. as kelly said the next day, it was a great example of people showing up to honor mike's greatness.

if i had slowed down a bit i may have remembered to take the time to give a toast to the guest of honor. i would have been able to say what an amazing friend he is and how much he's changed my life. i would have been able to say thank you for all you do and may this party just be a small reminder of how much you are loved. i would have been able to say that you rock mike and we are all better because we know you!!!!!! sooooooo, since i didn't get to say it last saturday, this will have to do.

cheers to you mike, you're the best! happy happy 40th!

millie's birthday was the day before mike's so her husband andy surprised her with a cake too.

the next morning before i cleaned up i captured what was left of the decorations. you can see the pictures in front of the window. i scavenged through old family photos that kate had and blew up a few choice shots from babyhood on up. it was really fun to see him in all his various stages.

if i work really hard

i can get my hair to go straight. its not an easy job though. this picture was after my hair lady experimented with the flat iron. i've only done it a couple more times because it takes so long and anyone who knows me knows that i don't fuss with my hair. spending a half hour in the bathroom just doesn't work for me. after seeing my hair curly for so long now, this really looks strange on me. it sure seems longer when its straight though. the couple times i have done it i get all kinds of comments on how cute it looks. i'm not sure how to take that. is it because its just different from the usual curls. or could it be that my afro really is as awful as it seems to me most days and this is a welcome improvement? hmm . . . will anyone tell me the truth i wonder.

man do i need some sun!!!

finally some house pictures

i'm a slacker. this shouldn't have taken me so long. but, alas here are some shots of the inside of my new home here in anchorage. it only took me 6 months. sheesh.

an update on the inside of the house. . . i guess it was around november that i finally got things pretty much as good as they are going to get for a while. the upstairs is painted, furnished, decorated somewhat, and is plenty comfortable. i'm still walking on plywood floors, but i did paint them with a chocolate brown porch paint so they look and feel a little better than the bare sub floor. i've picked up some remnant carpet pieces and had them binded at the edges to make some nice area rugs and it seems to work. i've wrapped half of my stairs in new carpet and that makes a huge difference on the tootsies. its nice to have a little padding under your feet going up and down stairs. there are still plenty of things to do upstairs, but its totally livable and comfortable. i'm actually really happy with how its come together and the rest of what i want will just wait, certainly making it all that much better when it finally does happen.

here's some 'before' shots . . .

and here's the 'after' . . .

nolan found these tangled roots in a river bed and widdled it, sanded it, and discovered its beauty. i've always loved it and for my birthday this year he surprised me and gave it to me as a gift. i love it and found the perfect spot for it in my dining room window.

i'll share some pictures of my bedroom and bathroom soon. i had some fun with paint in these rooms. eventually i'll get to the downstairs. for now it is as it will be for a long time to come.

happy heart day

a very special puppy was born in japan with a large, clear, love-heart-shaped pattern in his coat. the chihuahua was born as one of a litter to a breeder. owner emiko sakurada said it was the first time a puppy with these maks had been born out of a thousand she had bred. she had no plans to sell the puppy, which has been named "heart-kun". the long-coated male chihuahua puppy was born in odate, northern japan. how cute is this? thought it was appropriate for v-day. (thanks for sending it to me kara) he even made the news